Reviews: Ask Me How It Works (3)

Deepa Paul writes thoughtfully and with humour about the transition of her marriage from a conventional monogamous relationship through open marriage and into polyamory. I found her memoir to be thoroughly grounded and the question format of the chapter titles helped focus on specific questions or areas of an open marriage that I was curious about and/or wouldn't even have thought to ask.

What particularly helped me empathise with both Deepa and Marcus was the work they both put in on ensuring that their commitment to each other and to their daughter was always the top priority. In every chapter the reader is reminded that their relationship matters most. The final chapter and epilogue in which Deepa explains (age appropriately) their relationship and the book to her daughter cemented the maturity and consideration that has clearly gone into writing the book and ensuring that Deepa, Marcus and their daughter all have space to ask questions whenever they need.

Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for the ARC. all opinions are my own.

A really insightful book into Deepa's life in a non-monogamous relationship. The book is really open, honest and accessible to everyone. Although, not familiar with her experiences; I really felt I could understand where she was coming from and how this type of relationship works in her own marriage. Even if this is not the relationship structure for you there were so many moments of wisdom that applies to everyone like open communication and the development of self and relationships. I found it so interesting to explore the development of Deepa's marriage and the missteps with lessons they learnt along the way. Overall, it was an enjoyable and informative read.

Ask Me How It Works by Deepa Paul is a raw, honest, and thought-provoking memoir that provides an intimate look into a life that, while unconventional, is grounded in communication, honesty, and love. The premise of the book—Deepa balancing a relationship with both her husband and her boyfriend—might challenge some readers, but it offers a beautifully told exploration of personal desires, the complexities of relationships, and the importance of self-understanding.

What stood out to me most was how Deepa highlights the constant evolution of her marriage. She shares how her relationship with her husband, once rooted in traditional expectations, transformed over time as they both explored their desires. Their ability to communicate openly, without shame or guilt, about their feelings and fears resonated with me. It is refreshing to see a couple embrace change and growth together, even when faced with difficult questions. This memoir challenges the traditional notion of what a marriage "should" look like and instead celebrates the idea that relationships can be dynamic and multifaceted.

Although I did not personally agree with how Deepa's open marriage began, I deeply appreciated her vulnerability in telling this story. This book is not just about the logistics of an open relationship; it is about how Deepa navigated her desires and what it meant to be a mother, lover, and partner. The honesty with which she explores her own identity and the evolution of her marriage is inspiring. It is not always easy to ask for what you truly want, and her journey toward sexual liberation was particularly empowering in its openness.

The reflections on how Deepa transitioned between identities—mother, lover, wife—offered a powerful reminder of the complexity of personal growth. Relationships often demand reinvention, and this memoir makes you think deeply about how to navigate that process. It is an eye-opening book, making readers question traditional relationship structures while showing that there are many ways to find happiness and fulfilment.

If you are looking for a memoir that challenges conventional ideas about relationships, Ask Me How It Works is a fascinating and thought-provoking read. While it might not resonate with everyone, it offers a perspective that is full of courage, authenticity, and compassion. This book stays with you long after you finish reading.

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