Chimene Suleyman's world unravelled when she discovered the scale and chilling sophistication of her boyfriend's lies and deceit. When she realised how many other women he had manipulated, Chimene knew this was a tale that needed to be told; to highlight the toxic behaviours that can be all-too-hard to discern in isolation and empower victims to come together to tell their stories. The result was the intensely powerful and important The Chain and, in this exclusive piece, Chimene provides background to its writing and includes a potent extract from the book.
In 2017 I learned that my ex-partner was far from the person he had claimed to be. In actuality, he seemed to be far from what I had expected of any human. And so, it took a network of women - his exes, in fact - to begin to provide the answers to questions he had left with each of us individually.
Where he had left us in the dark, distressed and traumatised, a group of women whose only commonality was his betrayal were now able to bring each other back to light, to nurture and care for each other in a way our mutual ex, our mutual abuser, did not.
When I first started writing about it all - the thriller-esque abandonment in an abortion clinic, the maniacal lies, the dozens and dozens of women unravelling all at once with their own horror stories - I thought I had enough for a long form article, a piece perhaps as sensationalist as it was a stark warning. Until the women I spoke to broadened, the chain stretched beyond the group my ex-partner had harmed, and I realised just how many women had versions of the same negligence, the same insults, the same deception. It was then I knew I wasn’t writing a piece about this one man at all. I wasn’t just writing a piece about this particular group of women either. The plot, as it were, extended further than this story, this one man. Suddenly, it was apparent that he represented all of the men who had abused us, throughout our lives, and so the chain of women grew too.
It is easy to think that only the most monstrous men are those who are to be feared, those who have caused us the greatest pain. Yet, none of us are monsters, simply humans each capable of all that is good and bad within this world. So, all around us we had already seen every version of this man, my ex. In the book, there is a section where I list his different faces – the many different ways we experience his neglect, his deception, his insults, his abuse. Not one of them is invented: all are drawn from the testimonies of women, the many links of the chain who have only each other in a society and a legal system that so often looks the other way, blames us, and fears us instead.
In the end, the story had to be so much more than a long article, because it was about so much more than him. Because I wanted people to see themselves in all of us, to find a way to help themselves, and of course each other. Most importantly, to just keep that chain going.
Extract from The Chain
We have seen all of his faces before.
The man who says he’s working after hours, then you learn he was in the pub with an assistant from his office.
The man who lets you go home late alone, because he would rather stay out drinking with his friends than consider your safety.
The man who puts you down for chatting too much at the couples’ dinner party, because you’re too animated and embarrass yourself.
The man who says you’re inappropriate when you talk too long to another guy.
The man who resents you having male friends.
The man who resents the time you spend with any friend.
The man who argues you’re overreacting when he texts some girl he’s just met in the middle of the night.
The man who expects you at his side for every important social event, but is never available for yours.
The man who diminishes your faith because he thinks all religion is dumb and you need to hear that.
The man who makes throwaway remarks about your race, who makes no eff ort to learn about it, as though he’s not diminishing an inherent part of you.
The man who seeks reassurance but refuses you any.
The man who requires your advice but doesn’t care for your concerns.
The man who doesn’t listen when you talk about your promotion.
The man who undermines your work because his is more important.
The man who sneers at how much you earn.
The man who rolls his eyes when you get a new hobby.
The man who turns your music off because you have bad taste and he can’t be expected to listen to this.
The man who insults how you look.
The man who tells you what to wear.
The man who suggests you should go on a diet. Who says you should exercise more.
The man who chooses his new kids over his older ones. Or his older ones over his new ones. Who spends money on his new girlfriend, but hasn’t got any for his kid’s school uniform.
The man who whispers that he wants to father your children when you’ve known him a week, then two years down the line says he’s not sure he wants any, you shouldn’t have taken him so seriously.
The man who laughs at jokes his pals make about whether that bruise on your arm was because you’d done something to get a little smack.
The man who turns his phone off when he’d made plans to meet you.
The man who bombards you with messages for a week, then goes quiet for a month.
The man who lets the dinner you’ve prepared go cold because he’s having that one last drink.
The man who watches you clean the kitchen, the bathroom, do his washing, load the dishwasher because you’re a woman and that’s your job.
The man who sat just long enough through your abortion to feel and look like he’d done his part. If he even showed up at all.
The man who’ll sleep with you regularly but isn’t capable of committing right now.
The man who expects you to lower your expectations of a relationship because of his mental health crisis that he makes no attempt to help.
The man who asks you to wait for him, when he has no intention of coming back.
The man who cries, pleading for you to stay, when he knows you’re ready to move on.
The man who insists you go on the pill because he doesn’t like the feeling of condoms.
The man who judges how many sexual partners you’ve had. Or belittles you for your lack of experience.
The man who comes on too strong in bed and fails to acknowledge that his unwanted hand around your neck is a violation.
The man who expects you to give him a blow job because you’re his girlfriend but doesn’t apply the same logic to your own desires.
The man who thinks his time is more valuable than yours.
That he is more valuable than you.
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