Letting Go as Children Grow: From Early Intimacy to Full Independence - a Parent's Guide

Publisher and industry reviews

UK Kirkus review

Someone once pointed out that love between parents and children is the only sort which should grow towards separation. Yet separating is not easy, for either side, and for parents it can be excruciatingly difficult to know just how much input to make into the myriad little details which go towards your child's growing up. Acclaimed writer Deborah Jackson, author of Three in a Bed and Baby Wisdom, offers some exceptionally wise words in this updated edition of Do Not Disturb. Often, we interfere too much. Modern parents are left nervous from a vast excess of so-called professional advice, which teaches them to mistrust their own instincts and their children's inclinations and capabilities. And unlike cooperative, social societies of the past, or of the developing world, we load all the responsibility for children's behaviour onto (at most) two harassed parents. Children's natural exuberance gets suppressed, and parents get stressed. Also, modern children are alternately suppressed and over-stimulated; their imaginations invaded by commercial images and by often frenetic over-organization. We urge them to cram more and more in, yet interrupt them to fit our scheduling as if what they are doing is unimportant. Children are often subjected to contradictory demands ('hurry up!', 'don't run'), over-supervised and directed, and treated as social inferiors (manners are often a one-way business). Jackson urges parents to stand back, to let children organize themselves, to resist the urge to say 'be careful' (generally a sign that you don't trust your child's competence), to be more ready to 'go with the flow' (while prepared to jump in to rescue when needed), to accept that sometimes inactivity is OK, and so is absorption in something which might seem trivial to an adult. Don't label, and don't praise excessively. Expect more from your children, and remember that they learn good behaviour through practice, not punishment - allowing a child to make good is the best way of dealing with mistakes or rule-breaking. Being genuine is more important than being consistent, she says, and creativity in parenthood gets better results than following any rule-book. But, of course, it depends what results you want. Society tends to regard the quiet, still, clean child as the 'good' one - but this is not the way to promote an independent, creative, innovative individual. Children who are brought up to be independent-minded and self-respecting will be 'harder to handle' because they have minds of their own. And, if parents do their job well, and give children the chance to discover themselves, 'they grow into themselves, and, inevitably, apart from us'. Letting go may be the most important thing you do as a parent. (Kirkus UK)

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