You will never now become a rock star or regain the waist size you had at 18. You have taken a sudden interest in bleeding your radiators, and... Read more

At your grand old age, it's probably too late to take up pole dancing and the closest thing you get to extreme sports these days is prising the... Read more

For richer for poorer, for better for worse, for ever for Pete's sake! This could run longer than "The Mousetrap", so you need... Read more

Have you taken a sudden liking to leather clothing three sizes too small? Are you considering a sexier upgrade to your car or even your partner?... Read more

So, you're retiring! You're free to do what you want, when you want and how you want - just as long as your spouse doesn't find out.... Read more

Freedom at last. But what are you going to do? There's an awfully long time between cornflakes and cocoa, and a limit to how many sudokus you... Read more

Forget the myth that you'll be a sort of elder statesperson to the rest of the family. Your life will now consist of sleeping during sex instead... Read more

Congratulations! It seems only yesterday that your eyes first met - or perhaps it doesn't, now you have matching jumpers, his 'n' hers... Read more

You know you're a tennis fanatic when... your opponent complains about your grunting - when you're playing scrabble... love means nothing to... Read more

Others will now perceive you as a reactionary old git, unemployable and a health insurance risk. Your opinion is not even sought by high street... Read more