Round 1: HP Lovecraft vs Anne McCaffrey

H.P. Lovecraft

Special attack: Reading aloud from the dread Necronomicon

Advantages

  • One of the most influential horror authors of all time
  • Utter contempt for human life

Disadvantages

  • Doesn’t get out much
  • Prose so purple it’s practically Tinky Winky

Anne McCaffrey

Special attack: Telepathic, fire-breathing pets

Advantages

  • The original Mother of Dragons
  • First woman to win Hugo and Nebula Awards

Disadvantages

  • Eye-watering amount of fanfic
  • Danger of Threadfall

 

How we think it would play out…

‘As I sit here at my desk trying to understand all that has happened to me over the last few days, I think that the aspect of the human mind I most appreciate is the way in which it attempts to understand what it can surely never truly grasp. To have seen beyond the cosmos and into the inner eons of our existence. To have nothing but a second-hand fountain pen and a child’s rotary telephone and placed them together for a dread glance at the worlds underneath our own. The beasts, the forbidden ones, the flying lizards of another universe! I have taken steps to protect myself and packed my belongings for a hasty departure tomorrow morning. That is, if I survive the night.’

Sitting hunched at his writing table with the world’s largest thesaurus, the figure noticeably stiffened as the footsteps outside, no longer in his imagination, approached the door. A voice shouted:

‘Lovecraft! Come out here and talk to me, you coward!’

H.P. Lovecraft walked over to the door and slowly opened it.

‘Here I am, resigned to my fate. Let your lizards, those birds of fire and thunder, have their way with me. I cannot run from what I cannot understand.’

‘Howard,’ says Anne McCaffrey. ‘Stop being so afraid, I am not your enemy. My dragons will not harm you, they are my children. After all, am I not the original Mother of Dragons?’

In the darkness above black silhouettes flew across the still night sky. Lovecraft watched, his eyes two dark specks in widening pools of spilt milk, as one of them rapidly approached and landed next to McCaffrey. It stood there almost oblivious to everything that surrounded it.

Lovecraft trembled a question, ‘So you are not trying to kill me?’

McCaffrey laughed. ‘Of course not! Why would I do that?’

‘I thought, I thought your beasts were pursuing me. I thought I would be dead at their claws before morning. Oh, oh dear, I have made such a terrible mistake!’

‘Don’t worry about it, Howard,’ said Anne. ‘It happens all the time. The dragons can be quite scary at first.’

‘No! You don’t understand! Before you arrived I had set certain protective methods in motion. I thought I was doomed. I, I needed to do something to stop your creatures!’

Anne McCaffrey looked worried. ‘What have you done, Lovecraft?’

‘I read aloud from the Necronomicon, I opened the gates of R’lyeh,’ Lovecraft’s voice was already sinking to a whisper. ‘He is coming…’

The great, indescribable Cthulhu rounded the New England hills and all who saw it were driven mad. Its master was in trouble, it could not be stopped.
 

PREDICTED WINNER: H.P. LOVERCRAFT

 

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