Oh, Justin. We just want you to calm down a little. Stop it with the parties, the speeding, the drink, the drugs. Why not take a bit of time out? Sit down next to one of the many open fires in your no doubt gigantic house and relax. You can live out your angry teenage years through books and in the comfort of your own home! It’s certainly one sure fire way to make sure that the police leave you alone. Sounds good? Brilliant. We’ve got a few suggestions for you, Justin.
Lord of the Flies, William Golding
We know it can be difficult with the eyes of the world watching your every waking moment but it could be worse. It could be the red gaze of a monster in the undergrowth or the crazed eyes of your peers as they chase you through the jungle. Although, to be honest, we’re finding it hard to remember the bit where Piggy gets arrested for drink driving.
The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger
They’re all phonies, aren’t they, Justin? They don’t understand you and if you want to punch your way through a glass window then damn it, you’re going to punch through a glass window. Holden understands you, Justin. Listen to Holden. Go on a Merry-Go-Round. That’ll show them, that’ll show all those phonies.
A Clockwork Orange, Anthony Burgess
Probably best not to take too many ideas from this one. In fact, forget we mentioned it. It’s an amazing book but we rather not be held responsible for the aftermath.
We like to think, Justin, that in a few years time, once you’ve put these wild and reckless days behind you, that you’ll settle down and write a novel about all of this. Why not read The Rachel Papers now, get some idea of how someone else said goodbye to their teenage years and let it sit in the back of your mind? After a few years you’ll have a perfect, clearly-autobiographical first novel. We look forward to it.
To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
There’s many lessons in this book, it’s one of the all-time greats. We’d like to draw your attention to the character of Boo Radley. He stays in his house, he doesn’t cause any trouble. Yes, people think he’s a little weird but isn’t that a fair trade-off for eventually being able to run out of your house and save two children from being murdered? Think of the news headlines, Justin! BIEBER SAVES CHILDREN. All will be forgiven!
So, come on, Justin. It’s time to put this all behind you. Books, as always, are the answers to all your problems.